Today’s message at church today was about fear. The point, as I took it, was that if you were fearing God you had no need to fear anything else. It also talked about how fear can run your life if you let it.
As I was sitting there listening I thought about the fear in my life but for me, fear always comes along with hope. Fear is the negative and hope is the positive. I try to focus on the positive.
This last couple of weeks my daughter’s father was in town. He’s in the army and right now he’s on a flight from Seattle to Korea where he’s going to be stationed for the next 9 months. While he was home he chose to spend one day with my daughter and myself and then he also came over one evening and spent time with me.
It was a big deal that he chose to spend a day with my daughter because he has always been emphatic that he doesn’t want anything to do with her and God blessed and even though we had to spend 2-3 hours together to go to the base and do some paperwork he continued our time and took us to lunch, and watched a movie, and then even came along to the park. I was so happy that that happened but I wasn’t able to ask him about it because I didn’t want to scare him away.
Six days later I messaged him about an article he had mentioned during the day he spent with us. He was responsive and we sent texts back and forth for most the day until 5 or 6 in the evening. I didn’t mention my daughter but at least we were still ok. At 9 he messaged me and asked to come over. My daughter was already in bed at that time. I said yes and he came over and put on his uniform so I could see him in it like I had wanted to. Then he sat down on the other couch and we chatted about our lives and loves and the future.
I have this feeling like we would both like to try again but we’re both too proud to say so also it’s a huge decision. We ended up getting physical that night which could make things more complicated but I think it was a positive thing but then he didn’t talk to me much afterward. We both basically said we’re okay and that was that.
My fear right now is that my daughter’s father is going to start shutting me out again and I really don’t want that. I know that I want a relationship with him and I’d drop everything and move for him. He’s going to be gone. I’m not going to try to force him to talk about us but I am going to reach out and try to be his friend because no matter what happens I will always be his friend. But with that fear is that hope that perhaps maybe something could happen with us. I never thought we’d ever be physical again but we were and maybe that’s not a bad thing, maybe that will help reignite our intimacy and make him want to be with me again.
I am trying to give it to God. I pray that God keeps him safe while he’s away and that he helps guide our relationship and me in not being, well me. God comforts my fear by giving me hope that maybe it will work out and if not, something else is out there.